Giant Hairy HUH?????

We thought M.D.'s were making this stuff up -- until we checked the books

By: Kristina Grish for Women's Health Magazine

Whoever comes up with medical terminology definitely has a sense of humor -- or else they've been inhaling too much formaldehyde. How else can you explain conditions with names like retarded ejaculation and spastic colon? After curling up with a copy of Harrison's Principles of Internal Medicine and about half a dozen other toaster-size tomes, we found the silliest, grossest, most misleading vocabulary ever to escape a doctors lips and translated it into plain English. And since this branch of the medical biz clearly needs some assistance, we've offered up monikers we think are much more to the point. Heres hoping your man never becomes spermally challenged.

Docs call it: Cardiac Tamponade

Sounds like: What bright-siders make when life gives them tampons
Really refers to: A condition caused by blood or fluid buildup in the space between the hearts muscle and its outer sac
WH prefers: Bloated Heart

Docs call it: Cul-de-Sac

Sounds like: A good spot to crack open the keg, light bottle rockets, and call it a block party
Really refers to: A highly sensitive area (were talking orgasm-trigger level) behind the cervix

WH prefers: The C-spot

Docs call it: Giant Hairy Nevus

Sounds like: What you've nicknamed his member (behind his back)

Really refers to: A dark and often hairy birthmark that may cover a large area of the body (think your entire torso)

WH prefers: Epidermal Toupee

Docs call it Incompetent Cervix

Sounds like: Your vajayjay just blew its annual performance evaluation

Really refers to: A cervix that becomes weakened during pregnancy. Pressure from a growing fetus can sometimes cause it to open before the infant is ready to be born

WH prefers: Chubby Baby Syndrome

Docs call it: Jail fever

Sounds like: Whats playing at 2 a.m. on Skinemax
Really refers to: A bacterial infection spread by lice or fleas
WH prefers: Raging Cooties

Docs call it: Labyrinthitis

Sounds like: A pathological compulsion to send tourists in the wrong direction

Really refers to: A disorder that occurs when the inner ear becomes inflamed and irritated, which can lead to dizziness and balance problems

WH prefers: Weary Canal

Docs call it: Retarded Ejaculation

Sounds like: Someones spunk is special

Really refers to: An inability to ejaculate during intercourse or while masturbating with a partner
WH prefers: Spermally Challenged

Docs call it: Spastic Colon

Sounds like: Your poop chute could use a shot of Ritalin

Really refers to: A disease of the lower intestinal tract that can cause abdominal pain, alternating constipation and diarrhea, gas, bloating, and nausea

WH prefers: Busted Gut



Docs call it: Valley Fever
Sounds like: You're, like, totally hot for, like, dudes from Reseda

Really refers to: An infection caused by inhaling fungal spores that blow around the desert

WH prefers: Toxic Whiff

Docs call it: Wet Mount

Sounds like: How an Olympic swimmer celebrates after winning the gold medal

Really refers to: A test for vaginitis -- the catch-all term for common vaginal conditions (such as yeast infections) that can cause itching, pain, odor, and discharge
WH prefers: Crotch Scene Investigation