A MOTHERS LOVE

I didn't have to look into your eyes

to fall in love with you,

I didn't have to hear you cry

to know you loved me too,

I didn't need to hold your hand

to cherish you always,

Within my womb

we shared our hearts.

You touched my soul,

You sweetened my spirit,

You gave me memories

I will always hold so very dear.

Yes my heart aches

since you departed so soon,

But a mothers love

does not end with death,

For you are my child,

My love is forever yours.

TOO SOON

This was a life,

That had hardly begun,

No time to find,

Your place in the sun,

No time to do,

All you could have done,

But we loved you enough for a lifetime.

No time to enjoy,

The world and its wealth,

No time to take life,

Down off the shelf,

No time to sing,

The song of yourself,

Though you had enough love for a lifetime.

Those who live long,

Endure sadness and tears,

But you'll never suffer,

The sorrowing years,

No betrayal,

no anger,

No hatred,

no fears,

Just love,

Only love,

In your lifetime.

So, I left you hanging on the edge of your seats on a roller coaster ride like no other. It had plenty of ups and downs before a dramatic ending...

Tuesday 10/14 (5 weeks) - We are in Ohio visiting family and my dying grandfather. I feel some cramps and head to the bathroom and find I'm having some red bleeding, just about 2 wipes worth. I make the decision to call the after hours nurse whom informs me that if I bleed heavily to go straight to the ER, if it stops, to call their office as soon as we return to town on Thursday.

Wednesday 10/15 - We drive safely home and take a break to call my personal nurse who gets us in for an ultrasound (forever more u/s) and visit with the doc at 10am on Thursday.

Thursday 10/16 - I meet with the doctor who does a quick check and notices something bad. He asks me to get dressed and move to another room with a better u/s machine. I get ready, and the u/s tech begins. She does not see anything in the uterus, but sees a large fluid filled cyst in the right tube, a luteul cyst on both right and left ovaries. (Luteul cysts are when an egg pops out at ovulation and becomes fertilized by the sperm, the cyst produces progesterone to support growth and implantation until the placenta takes over in the beginning of the second trimester.) It looks like we had twins!!!!! The bleeding at 5 weeks was the loss of the first twin, and the fluid filled cyst looks like a blighted ovum (second twin) in the right tube. This isn't any good news. The doc puts me on pelvic rest, light duty, and to be aware of sharp pains and bleeding. My bloodwork is still rising 5,900!

Monday 10/20 (5 weeks, 6 days) - O.B. attends this appt to show his support. We start off with the good u/s equipment. Using external monitoring she immediately finds a baby in my uterus. She then switches to the standard internal monitor and confirms that the size of the baby is 5 weeks, 2 days. The baby is 4 days smaller than he/she should be, and we don't see a heart beat, but it's pretty early still. The fluid filled sac in the right tube is gone with only a small amount of residual fluid hanging out. My bloodwork is still rising 9,200. The doctor's official diagnosis is "cautiously optimistic"!

Tuesday 10/28 (7 weeks, our 8th anniversary) - O.B. has to work again this day, so I'm on my own. The u/s shows a baby in the uterus measuring 6 weeks, 1 day. The baby is now 6 days too small. There is still not a heart beat. No cyst or fluid remaining in the tube, the cysts are still present on both ovaries. The doc says that there should definitely be a heart beat present at this time. It looks like this is going to end soon. I agree, but since there was some growth, I would like further testing to make sure we will not do something that will end a life. We repeat the bloodwork today for a level of 15,500.

Thursday 10/30 - Stop into the lab just for bloodwork and they put a rush on it. Around 3:30 they call back to let us know that it is now on the way down 13,600. The baby is dying. When we arrive back home together OB and I hold each other and cry for hours. Neither one of us know why this is happening, there are NO answers, and no relief.

We functioned at work and hid out through the weekend.

Tuesday 11/4 (8 weeks) - O.B. misses a training class to attend this appointment. In for the u/s first. Baby measures 6weeks, 2 days. There was only 1 day of growth. There is still no heart beat, and with the bloodwork decreasing we know that is time to make decisions. After several days of research I ask the doctor about fetal genetic testing. He states that those tests are up to us. He does recommend autoimmune and blood clotting disorder testing done on me. We decide together to draw for those tests, and that if nature does not take it's course we will have a D&C done on Thursday. I step over to the lab for them to suck me dry (8 tubes), then to scheduling for the surgery.

Wednesday 11/5 - This day is our first angel babies 2nd birthday if he/she had been born. I spend most of this day speaking with nurses, insurance billers, insurance go-betweens, HR reps, etc trying to find out if I can have the fetal genetic tests done on my baby. I want to know why both of my babies stopped developing at exactly 6 weeks. I want to know if there is a chromosomal disorder that is preventing me from birthing a healthy full term baby. I want answers. The insurance company doesn't want to pay because they received a billing code diagnosing me with infertility. WHAT???? You can't keep me in that category once I achieve a pregnancy! I go to bed with this thought in my head, "God, if you don't want me to have this baby tested you will take him/her tonight" I started cramping and spotting as I fell asleep.

Thursday 11/6 - I wake up at 8:30 with no cramps and no bleeding. Believing, that there is a way to get the tests covered, I begin the calls again. The insurance biller at my doc's office is out sick today, there are no notes on her desk about me. I call the genetics center and get an answering machine. I call another number for the genetics center...another answering machine. A call comes in from the counselor at Greenwood Genetics center, I tell her the situation and history. She recommends that I continue with the plan to have the testing done, and if the insurance company continues to cause problems, they will work it out later. She also gives me the list of codes that would be turned in on my paperwork. I call those numbers in to the insurance go-between, he forwards them to so-and-so. I rush to shower so that I can get to the hospital on time for my prep. As we walk in I place the call to my doc to let him know to prepare for the genetic testing. I do the paperwork, and go back to the pre-op room. O.B. hangs out with me, the nurse enters to place my IV and give me some "happy drugs" (no effect on me :( ) My cell rang and O.B. soon hangs up saying that THE insurance lady called to let us know that the testing WILL BE COVERED!!!!!

Praise the Lord, He answers prayers, He provides a way!

In all of this I will PRAISE my Lord! He alone knows what is best for my family! He alone has my life planned out! He knows the numbers of hairs on my head! He will guide me and protect me! He gives me the faith of a mustard seed! I will continue to Trust and Obey!!